The Fanatical Blog
Two Point Hospital's bizarre yet hilarious illnesses
By Sam Jones - 28th Aug 2018Games
Wacky illnesses featured in the upcoming business simulation Steam PC game
We've all been there - that moment when you notice something isn't quite right with your body or weird symptoms emerge to the point where you search the internet for answers.
But what if your can't find an explanation as to why your head is now a light bulb, or why you can't stop dancing to hits of the 70s?
Fortunately, Two Point Hospital is here to help, the hilarious business simulation game from the makers of Theme Hospital - featuring a series of (thankfully) fictional illnesses that require your attention as you build and improve a number of hospitals - improving their ranking, researching new medicines and keeping people alive.
We've put together a list of illnesses included in the game and the requirements to treat them. We'll be updating the list around the game's launch on August 30th, so that more information is available, as well as any other illnesses we might have missed out or didn't have enough information on before launch.
Patients are at one with the animal kingdom, whereby animals are stuck to them like a human magnet.
Treatment: No specific details on treatments just yet, but we're certain that you'll need a specific machine to demagnetize your patient and the animal.
An alarming contortion of the face and a spoof of 'bed head', patients' faces are affected due to their abnormal sleeping angle.
Treatment: A trip to the Pharmacy will help cure Bed Face by using the Drug Mixer.
A severe boggling of the mind., this illness can affect patients who have been exposed to new, sometimes paradigm-altering information.
Treatment: Requires a Psychiatry room and a Doctor with a Psychiatry qualification.
Bogwarts is an illness caught from dirty toilets, nice.
Treatment: A concoction of drugs and prepared by the Pharmacy... or maybe witchcraft. Requires building a Pharmacy with a trained nurse.
It's an illness that really 'gets hold' of you.
Treatment: To de-Clamp, players will need to give the patient some drugs from the Pharmacy via the Drug Mixer.
Patients will be feeling a little bit square after being diagnosed with this condition. Cubism causes their body to turn into a number of cube-like limbs.
Treatment: A trip to the Recurvery Room is just what the doctor ordered,and you'll need a trained doctor too.
We hate having to make rash decisions sometimes, especially if it makes us ill. This unpleasant rash is triggered when the patient is forced to make a decision too quickly.
Treatment: You'll need to build an Injection Room with a trained nurse.
There hasn't been a lot of information shared about this illness, but we're going with something along the lines of patients who love a bit of 'double denim'.
Treatment: A doctor is required
We're guessing that this illness will see patients coming through the hospital doors thinking that they're the next Julius Caesar.
Treatment: Requires Psychiatry Room and a doctor with a Psychiatry Qualification.
A condition that would no doubt affect most teens and adult selfie takers in the real world. Freudian Lips is an illness caused by excessive pouting and is caused by a build up of lewd thoughts in the cerebral cortex.
Treatment: Requires a trip to the Psychiatry Room and a doctor with a Psychiatry Qualification - who will help subconsciously drain the excess thoughts into a beaker, after which they can be safely disposed of in an incinerator.
Sounds like, but nothing to do with, the hit medical TV show. Grey Anatomy is when patient's lose all of their color, hence the grey part.
Treatment: Players will need a Chromatherapy Room with a trained nurse
A non-visual illness, Grout can be transmitted in bathrooms. Modern medicine can cure it, so you won't need to use a screwdriver to dig it out like the olden days.
Treatment: Grout can be cured with a trip to the Pharmacy (requires a trained nurse) via the Drug Mixer.
Breaking a bone is never funny, but apparently this type of illness is.
Treatment: Requires a Fracture Ward with a trained nurse.
A patient did something to their leg and it hurts, like really hurts.
Treatment: A trip to the Fracture Ward with a trained nurse.
Inflated Ego causes a large build up of narcissistic thoughts. If left untreated, parts of the ego begin to protrude from every orifice, which is highly unpleasant for anyone nearby.
Treatment: Requires a Psychiatry Room and a doctor with a Psychiatry qualification, who will carefully deflate the ego using a massive pin.
Patients often see the funny side of this illness, basically because they're full time clowns.
Treatment: A fairly obvious facility for this illness is the Clown Clinic, which requires a trained nurse.
Most of us have suffered from this illness every year, heck probably every week.
Treatment: Some much-needed rest on the Ward will help cure this illness, and requires a trained nurse to keep an eye on the lazy gits.
In a very literal sense, the patient's head turns into a light bulb.
Treatment: Players will need to buy the De-Lux Clinic with a trained doctor. This machine will help unscrew the light bulb and replace it with a newly 3D printed head.
Patients who suffer from Lycanthrophy have most likely caught it as a result of direct exposure to light from the full moon, or possibly from door handles.
Treatment: Requires a Pharmacy and trained nurse.
An illness of the mind, patients suffering from this psychiatric condition often perceive things that don't exist, usually boxes within which they are trapped.
Treatment: Requires a Psychiatry Room and a doctor with a Psychiatry qualification.
The patient suffers from chronic grumpiness due to a nihilistic semi-colon.
Treatment: Requires a Pharmacy and a trained nurse.
If you think you're the next Freddie Mercury, you might have this illness too.
Treatment: Requires a Psychiatry Room and a doctor with a Psychiatry qualification, in which the doctor will kindly help the patient snap out of their delusion.
Patients get a case of extreme hair growth, caused by excessive consumption of both highbrow and lowbrow entertainment. Monobrow can spawn 'Monobeasts' that hide in the Hospital under Items and cause a reduction in hygiene.
Treatment: A trained nurse to oversee the patient staying on the Ward.
Being ill can get you down, but this illness takes the biscuit.
Patients become very sad indeed, with all happiness sapped from their lives.
Treatment: Trained doctor
Soap can't save them. Mucky Feet results in patients feet so grubby that the filth will never come out - and it spreads germs like wildfire!
Treatment: Requires treatment on the Ward by a trained nurse.
Some may call it 'John Travoltaitis' - Night Fever is an illness where patients suffer from spontaneous outbreaks of dancing, usually caused by prolonged exposure to mirrorballs.
Treatment: Requires a Psychiatry Room and a doctor with a Psychiatry qualification
Not quite the pandemic you were thinking of...
This illness results in patients having an involuntary attachment to kitchen utensils, mainly a pan stuck on their head.
Treatment: Requires a Pans Lab whereby a trained doctor must use the Extract-a-Pan machine to (as the name suggests) extract the pan from their head!
Sounds a little embarrassing, doesn't it.
The Premature Mummification illness is when patients are unfortunately transformed into into an Egyptian Mummy, and we doubt those bandages are clean.
Treatment: Requires the Cryptology Room and a trained doctor.
This illness affects the patient's body and mind and it's original cause was thought to be living within a close proximity of sea air. Doctors now say it's caused by living in Portishead (Somerset, UK).
Treatment: Requires a trained nurse to treat the patient on the Ward.
Well, there's no need for that language!
Potty Mouth is an illness where the patient opens their mouth, and terribly things happen. It's often caused by drinking water from a toilet sink... or a toilet.
Treatment: Requires a Pharmacy and trained nurse to cure.
Not much information on this one yet, but we guess it might have something to do with a patient's butt turning into rock...
Treatment: Players require an Injection Room and a trained nurse, but don't ask where the needle goes!
It's the disease that people can't stop talking about, Verbal Diarrhoea spreads fast and can be heard for miles - can you smell something?
Treatment: Requires the Pharmacy and a trained nurse.
A retro bug that leaves patients feeling a little bit distorted. This illness dials down the graphics and turns them into an 8-bit pixel style character.
Treatment: Requires the Resolution Lab, with a trained doctor and Debugger machine.